tale|of|tilt

Thanks to Brandon Counts for the forward...this is rridiculous w/ 2 R's

Could you please; just this one time, let me be myself.




JEFFREY DALE PHILLIPS
1885 OLD FOUNTAIN
LAWRENCEVILLE GA 30043
Admitted:
2009-11-11 18:48:00

Charges:
POSS. OF DRUGS RELATED OBJECTS
VIOLATION OF PROBATION

Sara Jean Underwood

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)




These boys will be dropped off in Afghanistan and have
been given only the following facts about terrorists :

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5.. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Friday

Kimbo Slice's real name revealed -- he was recently arrested in Atlanta area. Must be tough to do while competing on The Ultimate Fighter

GERALD DERICK HUDSON
1060 BRIDLE PATH DR
LAWRENCEVILLE GA 30045

Admitted:	2009-09-16 02:53:00
Charges:	BATTERY

John Breech: Hey Ryan, you throw like a Girl.

Matt Ryan: At least I've seen one naked.

John Breech: So have I if your mom counts.

Matt Ryan: You keep my mom out this and I'll keep this (motioning to his midsection) out of your mom.

That's how I imagined this past weekend's arm wrestling match started. But unfortunately, if I told you that, it would be a lie.

Saturday's 'Over the Top' match with Falcons quarterback Matt Ryan went more like this:

John Breech: Dude, have you ever lifted a weight in your life? [see accompanying picture for lanky arms]

Matt Ryan: I'm a quarterback not a bodybuilder.

John Breech (thinking to himself): I bet I could take this wimp in arm wrestling.

Lesson of the Day: If you're 5'6" and 155 pounds, the chances are pretty great that you can't beat an NFL player at anything, let alone arm wrestling.

Although we'll never know if Matt would have won because the match was stopped before it could take place.

Apparently if you sign a $72 million contract with a professional sports team, they expect you not to put their investment in danger. In this case, Matt's right arm (his arm wrestling and throwing arm) would have been put in grave danger because I'm what people in the arm wrestling world call an 'unstoppable force.'

So instead of arm wrestling, we ate tacos provided by a local Atlanta taco chain (Twisted Taco) that supports the Steelers. And yes, I did puke it all up afterward, because if there is anything I hate more then the Steelers, it's taco chains that support the Steelers.

Also, I took Matt's empty powerade bottle and I will be selling it on Ebay, he has demanded a 10 percent cut, but I'm OK with that.

Finally, notice that he is standing up. What a cheat, everyone knows arm wrestling rule number one: no standing up. This tactic gave him an obvious leverage advantage, just for that, I'm not going to any Falcons games this year. I can't possibly support someone who cheats at arm wrestling and more importantly, I can't possibly support a team that's quarterbacked by a cheater.

Next Week: John plays chess with Carson Palmer.

Front Flip, Full Court Basketball Shot - Watch more Funny Videos

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which the flight attendant replied,without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch'